Happy Valentine's Day!!

I don't date...

I remember being pregnant with my twins, thinking my life was over! I was already a single mom of one daughter and now I was about to be a single mom of not two, but THREE kids!!! Who in their right mind would want to date me?? I’m doomed to be alone forever! But after having my twins that fear quickly went away as I found myself in an unexpected position of MORE men wanting to date me?? How did that happen? You would think I would be excited that I wasn’t “off the market” but oddly enough, it was me that didn’t want to date or pursue a relationship...why?? Here are my reasons in no particular order but let’s just start with the “more” men I referred to earlier…

1.       A whole new world…of men!  Yes I found more men wanting to date me….men that probably would never give me the time of day before and vise versa. My highest “demand” category seemed to be men with more than one child. Men seemed to think that “hey…she has more than one child, I have more than one child…match made in heaven” Umm, no, not necessarily. Man + Woman + tribe of kids does not always = The Brady Bunch. The next highest demand category were older men who had children and didn’t want anymore and assumed that because I already have three I don’t want any more either….in this case…you are CORRECT! LOL! But these men usually have older children too and are past the tolerance level of dealing with small children like mine. And the last category is one that I hate….the men that figure I should be happy and thrilled that a man would want to talk to a single mom of 3 kids and I should feel happy with anything they have to offer….which most of the time isn’t much. As for this last group of men….don‘t even bother approaching me! My standards have not lowered because I have children…as a matter of fact they are HIGHER! Unfortunately for these men, my self-worth and self-esteem is not wrapped around a man wanting to be with me. I am very content being single and honestly don’t know if I’m even “built” for a relationship….

2.       My children need me! I think a lot of my lack of desire to date (not sex..dating…two different things) has to do with my children being so young. I have three kids under the age of 5….so it’s not like they can fend for themselves (even though I consider my 5 yr old to be almost an adult….she can dress herself, bathe herself, go to the bathroom by herself, even fix herself a sandwich, juice, and cereal…I mean what’s left??) My point is they are at the age where my undivided attention is needed…at ALL TIMES. Plus I know for a fact the twins are the last of my babies {unless I’m giving birth to the next Jesus!!} I really don’t like to share my time with them with anyone else. And really after taking care of three children all day who really has time to date?? Which brings me to random reason number  #3

3.       “Ain’t nobody got time for that” – this is pretty self explanatory….umm, I don’t have time for that. Between working full time {and yes I have a REAL job even though I work from home!!}  AND being a full time single parent to 3 kids under 5….there is really not much time left…seriously….and when there is free time….it’s not REALLY free time. It’s “ time to do what I can’t do when the kids aren’t around” time…like cleaning rooms, grocery shopping, throwing out toys they don’t play with anymore, getting the car washed because they are scared to death of the “drive through” car wash….oh, by the way, does any other parent use this as a threat for misbehaving? No…just me….oh….well never mind…I won’t tell you that story. Anyway, my point is…my “free” time no longer consists of anything that actually has to do with me enjoying myself….which brings me to random reason number #4

4.       I’m selfish with myself!! – Yep, I said it….99.9% of the time I have to think about three little people….so when I do get the rare free time, which is ACTUALLY free time…to actually do something for me…it usually doesn’t involve another human being. It involves ME, ME, and more ME. Things like….taking a full shower...washing my hair, shaving, AND scrubbing…..a pedicure/manicure, going to the bookstore and reading all the magazines that don’t involve being a parent, or just going to a restaurant and ordering a meal and actually enjoying it…by myself…without sharing….without having to stop every 5 minutes and cut someone’s food, or clean a spill, or breaking up a food fight, or trying to explain why they can’t drink mommy’s juice (wine).

5.       It’s expensive!! Yes, even though I might be on a date where the man is paying for the meal and entertainment….trust me…my cost is just as significant as any meal or movie he might pay for! There is the hair, nails, outfit, makeup, and the most expensive cost of all {insert dramatic music} THE BABYSITTER!!!  Do men have any freaking idea how much a babysitter costs???? For three kids??? Between $12-15 an hour….and most have a minimum time of 3-4 hours…and then some have a mileage charge in addition to the fees!! So now I have paid probably well above what he has paid, for a meal where I feel like I’m interviewing for a job….and let’s pray the conversation is good because if not I have to endure at least 4 hours of boring date time….OR WORSE if the date IS good, I only have 4 hours of date time before I have to leave, because at some point I have to cut the date short to get back home in time for my babysitter to leave before charging me for extra time…..uggh! Sometimes the date is not worth all the trouble! Geez! *I do have an alternative for dating “after hours”….go on “lunch” dates! It’s almost perfect….you don’t have to pay for a babysitter because the kids are in school/daycare….you’re only required to look “business” hot (plus you get to see how he looks in a suit or business attire)...there is a defined beginning and end to the date because you have to get back to the office at some point….so if the date is going bad, you only have to endure it for an hour….and if the date is good then you know if it’s worth spending the extra money to date “after hours”…LOL!

6.       Let me Cater to you: Most men think because you are a mother, you are nurturing and caring….which to them is code for “cater to me”. Umm, no….true I am nurturing and caring….to my children, not grown men! Really after taking care of 3 other human beings and myself all the time….the LAST thing I want to do is cater to another human being! How about YOU cater to ME!!

So there you have it….why I will be alone forever don’t date!

Funsizdmama

{Singing} It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

{Singing} It’s the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you “Be of good cheer”…It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!

No…not Christmas…it’s income tax season!! Lol! Seriously, this is the time of the year that single parents look forward to the most! All those months of working, childcare, medical expenses, daycare, etc. will manifest into a nice refund check!! But listen…please please please….don’t get “fabulous" with your refund check.

It’s your money and of course you can do whatever you want with it. But consider doing something that will set you up for success for the remainder of the year.

Here are some ideas:

1.       I set up family vacations with my extra money. While I may not pay for the entire trip, I’ll make the initial deposit and then set up a payment plan for the remaining. It’s nice to have something to look forward to!!

2.       I invest into my business. Invest in a business that can be another income stream for you throughout the year. I’m all about multiple streams of income!! In 2011 I was laid off TWICE {not a good year for government contractors) so only having one stream of income as a single parent makes me VERY nervous. So consider using your extra money to start a side business. If you already have a business, reinvest in it…get a website if you don’t have one, order some professional business cards, buy better equipment, hire a business consultant to help you map out a plan for growth. The best part about this….you can write it off next income tax season!

3.       Car maintenance! Get that tune up, buy those new tires, replace parts….whatever. I would be in serious trouble without my car as would most single parents who only have that one source of transportation.

4.       Car insurance...pay it up for the year or at least for six months. Now you don’t have to worry about that extra bill for the period of time you have paid it up.

5.       Emergency Fund – I’m telling you, 2011 made me so nervous! My father is always asking me if I’m saving money {insert hysterical laughter} How?? My paychecks JUST cover my bills….like barely…like….barely. This is a time when I can set aside that elusive “extra money” my father is always asking about. I think the standard emergency fund is supposed to cover 3-6 months of living expenses, but I save at least one month’s expenses and build on it throughout the year.

6.       Birthday and Christmas savings – some banks let you set up Christmas saving accounts that can be accessed after November. For me I have another bank account that I don’t use often {out of sight out of mind} and I’ll send a few dollars a month to that account every paycheck {auto payment so you don’t even notice that it’s missing} You can also use this to save up for Birthdays and not just for your kids…but for birthday parties they get invited to. I promise between my three kids they get invited to more birthday parties than I care for. And the party usually falls on a week that I’m in between paychecks…so now my kid shows up with the crappy Dollar Store gift...don’t judge..lol!

So those are some of my ideas. It depends on how much you get back as to what you can do. Trust me…I pay a small fortune in childcare and medical expenses and while I curse profusely complain all year I’m always happy around income tax time!!

Here’s wishing you a Happy Income Season! LOL!

Leave me a comment….share your ideas with me!

Up for a reason...me

I should've been sleep HOURS ago! So what am I doing up? Working? No... Cleaning the house, getting things ready for tomorrow...doing anything productive?? No, No, and No....I'm just up...enjoying the quiet. No phones ringing, no computer alerting me of incoming work, no meetings....and best of all....nooooo kids. Just me...my thoughts...my wine...my time. I can do whatever I want...or nothing at all...

I don't want it to end...but it will

I'd want me as a parent!

Do you like the type of parent you are to your kids? I mean honestly think about what memories you are making for them. Besides being financially stable..I think I'm the perfect parent for my kids! I mean hey...I'm pretty cool...I'd want me as parent! But seriously, would I like them to have a mother and father in the same household? Sure! (or better yet, a father that was present in their lives PERIOD and not just a check daddy) But overall I think I do a pretty good job..and not because of what people see on the outside (nicely dressed, happy kids) but because of what I know happens on the inside. I really care about my children as individual beings and how the things I do today could affect them tomorrow. I know some parents are more caught up with APPEARING to be the perfect parent and not actually being the parent their kids need. I love love love love love my parents....and they were the best parents they knew how to be...and back in their day it was more about how children were "seen" by other parents. I feel a lot of my parents concerns were how we "appeared" to other people. As far as taking the time to really know me as an individual I would have to say that wasn't a top priority and even today our relationship is a bit strained at times because of it. It wasn't important for my parents to get to know me as a person, an individual. It was more important for me to just "act right"...which were strictly by their standards of what was right. It makes me reflect on the type of parent I want to be for my children and the memories I want them to have of me. I don't remember playing and laughing with my parents much...but I love when I'm being silly with my kids...to hear that genuine laughter and happiness when my 5yr old daughter says "mom, you're so silly" I know these will be the memories she has of me....at least I hope so...and not the fact that I'm trying to take her mind off the cable being off because it wasn't a "chosen" bill this month! Lol! I take time to talk to my children and not at them all the time....really get into those little minds and I love our daily conversations. Boy do I learn a lot! And I hope I'm building the foundation for them to feel comfortable later when they are older to be able to talk to me about things. To this day I don't feel like I can freely talk to my parents...a grown 30 something female who cannot talk to my parents as a grown adult. I'm sad sometimes they have no idea who I really am. I try my very best not to repeat this with my children because I know how empty it can feel at times. Now, there are times though I get caught up in the hype myself....like when my 5 yr old decides she wants to dress herself for the day and I instantly think "oh my goodness, what are people going to think when they see her looking like that??".....but then I have a drink think about her expressing herself as an individual and how I would've LOVED to do that at her age and I carry on...

I won't lie...I do take pride when people tell me that I'm a "good" mom....but not because of what they see on the outside....but because of what I know on the inside...

#SWAKlife

Sorry, It's not my day.....

When do I get excused from parenthood? When do I get to pick and choose which days I want to “play” parent?? When do I get to ignore my kids and have people say to the other parent “Well, you’re the one that chose her” When does it become acceptable for me to take care of my children based on the way I feel about the other parent…I mean since I don’t care for/love/like the other parent I shouldn’t have to care for their children right? When does my irresponsible behavior and bad life choices get to be excused because the other parent just made a bad choice when they slept with me??

So here it is….I hate hate hate when I’m talking about the absence of the “other parent” from my children’s life and the response I get is “well, you’re the one that chose him”

Really?? Is this the best you can think to say? So along with raising the children on my own I should just accept being a single parent because, yes, I slept with what was cleverly disguised as a man?? I just HATE this dismissive attitude towards the other parent like that just excuses him from all responsibility because I made the bad choice?? Well you know, when I found out I was pregnant with my first child…guess what…I wasn’t ready to be a parent….matter of fact, I was told that I would not be able to even get pregnant without the use of fertility drugs; sooo technically I shouldn’t have to own up to that responsibility right?? Or when I got pregnant the second time, I was only prepared for one baby so the fact that it turned out to be twins should excuse me right?? Nope, I wasn’t ready for any of this…but guess what? I accepted the fact that I brought life into this world…even when the other parent didn’t want me to…and I stepped up to the plate to be an adult...

Now I know there are indeed those situations where women sleep with men who already have children they are not taking care of and act surprised when, WOW they don’t take care of their child either. But not every case is like that.  And neither was mine. What about those who didn’t show their “true” colors until the relationship was over? I know couples that were married for many years where the husband was a seemingly loving father, but once the marriage ended, it was out of sight out of mind with the children. Spending time with their children was reduced to whether it was “their day” or not….

So those mothers not only accept the full responsibility of raising the children, but also the fact that they have to raise them alone because…hey, it’s not the other parent’s fault, it’s her because she chose him??

Such bullshit….grow up! That is not an excuse…you have children now…you should at least act older than them! I just feel like as long as the other parent's behavior is excused nothing will ever change. Women start to feel like bad mother's who "chose" the wrong man, start feeling deserving of the behavior of the other parent...the burden of guilt for the father they have "chosen" for their children can be heavy and great...

I can’t imagine my life without my children…it’s hard for me to even go throughout ONE day without missing them like crazy. I can’t sleep at night knowing they have a need that hasn’t been met. How is it so easy for you??

Was I ready to be a mother when I had my first child?? No..not at all.... but ready or not…a mother I’ve become…

#SWAKlife

So Buzz has a favorite child....so do I!

So a few weeks, days, hours ago...I don't know...sometime recently in the news....this father of two, Buzz Bishop, candidly admitted on his blog www.buzzbishop.com to having a favorite child. The media went wild...chastising him, questioning his parenting, just about everything short of having child services come take his children away. I suspect I know why the sudden outburst of parental hate towards Mr. Bishop.....because he was speaking the truth that no parent is supposed to admit! Now, before you include me in the recent hate bash with Buzz, let me explain. All I'm saying is that I can kind of relate to what he was saying about having a favorite child....BUT unlike Bishop I'm not saying that out of my three children I have an overall favorite...but I will admit to having a favorite child for certain things/activities. To give you examples...Carter Brooke (2yrs old) is my favorite child to cuddle with. Does that mean I don't like to cuddle with my other children? No....just that Carter is my favorite child for that activity. She gives good cuddle!! Lol! She'll just snuggle with you and give you sweet kisses and touch your face and lets me hold her as long as I want....whereas Camden will give me about 2 minutes tops of cuddle time before he wants to get down and Kennedy...well...she is already "too big" to cuddle {tears...she's only 5?? Geez!} but sometimes when she is not feeling well she'll let me cuddle with her though...hey gotta take what you can get around here.

Speaking of Kennedy....that's my roll dawg right there!! The rare occasion the twins are with the "other parent" or their grandparents for the weekend and it's just me and her....we ride out!! Okay...don't think I'm like taking her to the bars or anything...but we will go out to eat, maybe catch a movie or something. She is my favorite child to go to restaurants and the bookstore with....I mean hey she can feed herself and read so she's practically grown. With her I can hang out a little later, have interesting conversations like this one

.....and going from 3 kids to 1 just feels like you're practically childless! (Why didn't somebody tell me how good I had it with just one child! LOL! I kid, I kid...but really...why?)

Last but certainly not least is my Cam (2yrs old)....now he takes care of mama. He is my favorite child to share a snack with. One because he's so polite about it...using his manners...please and thank you...okay it's more like "peas" and "tank you mommy" but you get the idea. Not only that, he makes sure mama is full always offering me a piece of his snack....which is always covered with his sweet baby sugar so I usually decline...not to thrilled about having my snacks "pre-chewed"

But anyway, my point is I think if parents really admitted it, they might realize that they have a favorite child too....maybe not overall favorite like Bishop admitted to...I think that was taking it a little far...just my opinion, but at least he was honest with himself about it and that's more than I can say for some parents walking around lying to themselves...

Let me know what you think!

#SWAKlife